2005-02-22 - 10:47 p.m. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I'm not sure if I can handle this anymore...any of it. I have been trying to take each moment in a positive way and it is so hard. I am unhappy with so much. Part of me wants excitement and stimulation and rebellion and another part of me just wants something "normal"...fun and challenging but simply "normal". I'm not even sure what "normal" means, I just know how it feels, you know? The two have been in a constant battle and I feel ravaged. Horrible, used and ravaged. If this is what it feels like to get old then why did I not kill myself when I was 25? � �