2005-01-18 - 3:01 p.m. Welcome to 2005. I had a decent holiday season, although part of it included a mobile phone conversation with my father in which I actually screamed the "after-school special-ish" sounding phrase "because I am a fucking faggot!!". Yes, exactly. It all worked out and we actually had one of our more open conversations although as B pointed out, my parents will never really get "it". "It" in all of its many meanings and nuances. They will never get "it" nor will I ever really get their "it". That is fine. I am working to get over this and simply have a relationship that is pleasant but not necessarily open. I mean we usually get along fine but I suppose I want more honesty and respect and understanding and they (especially my mom) wishes to have more compliance to her still breathing, suburban ideals. Actually the best part of leaving the City for Christmas was when we spent the night at Michael's on the 23rd. The three of us had a lovely dinner, shared plenty of wine, laughs and presents. I probably would have been happy staying there. The worst (and the germ that sprouted the argument that sprouted the screamed phrase referenced above) was having to go to my cousin's house to eat on Christmas Eve. The cousin who now has five kids (two of whom were born with less than a year between them) and an ex-con husband who kind of freaks me out. No he freaks me out alot and he is a totally narrow-minded, conservative doofus that I wish not be a part of my life. Family fun. Oh and B and I talked at length...turns out he is not cheating on me. He made a mistake, yes, but it was not something physical or even remotely in the realm of cheating...so we're as good as gold. Anyway it all is past, good and bad, and I am looking at this new year. Wondering if things will change, if I will improve, if we will be happy. If something cool will happen. If something bad will happen. The usual mix of hope and excitement with dread and trepidation. I simply made a silent wish on New Year's Eve. I make no prediction about its fate, I only pray that it will somehow come true. (Oh and my GOD...rented Troy...Orlando Bloom may have done a shitty job as Paris but he was so tasty, delicious to drink in, wasn't he? And I wouldn't mind having a little Achilles served up raw, either!) � �