2004-12-03 - 9:56 a.m. I�ve done a lot of thinking this week. This morning I watched an interview with Susan St James regarding the death of her son in a plane crash last week. Although I typically don�t find myself getting sucked into celebrity real life happenings, the tone of her voice and the freshness of the tragedy really drew me into the interview. I instantly had the solution to throw away this weight I have been carrying this week. I cannot pinpoint anything specific that triggered this peace within me. All I can say is that I no longer wish to live my life mired in negative and useless thoughts and emotion. Hate, anger, jealousy, regret. These are not productive or worthwhile emotions. I realize that as humans we will face these emotions as flashes in our lives. The crucial, character-making moment comes when we must decide to either accept them as a state of mind or whether we let them go, by seeing them as the fleeting reactions they truly are. For far too long I have given them permanency in my life. I don�t want to do this anymore. I love B. He is a good man. He has gone through a lot in his life and all things considered, has done a remarkable job of keeping things on a pretty even keel. We have wonderful memories together. He�s a part of me, good and bad. Our relationship, while flawed, is pretty damned good. He�s my best friend. Whatever has happened (and I still don�t know what, if anything, has happened) is not enough for me to end my relationship or even precipitate a rift in our relationship. Humans are imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes, has emotions that are unpleasant and does things they shouldn�t do. Lord knows I have and still do. Human beings are definitely a �work in process�. I don�t like this at all. I still feel somewhat strange but I notice a huge difference in my outlook towards not only this problem but the other things in my life I have allowed to plague me for so long. I hope this lasts. I like this peace. I feel I have the power to make it last. It isn�t necessarily about being happy all the time�more that I have the power to handle situations without falling to pieces and without making snap, emotional decisions that I will live to regret (again, a useless emotion). Some may call me crazy or stupid�that�s fine. I don�t feel this way. I feel like I have reached a new and exciting place in my life. Who knew this is where it would all lead? ***** Speaking of human imperfections (as side note) I explored my own when I saw GLB in the cafeteria this afternoon. He still looks amazing. Goddamnit B, if you were going to do something on me, at least let me know, so that I could have had some fun ;-) ******** Also, thank you to flying-kiwi (whom I cannot access any longer to properly thank in person and dandteacher, both of whom expressed concern for me during this week. I truly thank you. As you can see I am quite resilient...I am stronger and in the end...I know I will be OK. Thanks!! � �