2004-11-30 - 10:33 a.m. So I think that my other half is either cheating on me or thinking of cheating on me. I feel sick. I may be wrong, of course. The thing is�I mean I don�t know what to say. He says that he never has cheated on me. He insists this so I feel guilty thinking that he could be doing something behind my back. But I know him and I know his family history and cheating is NOT a fringe concept. I don�t mind fantasy�in fact I encourage it. I encourage him to be open about who he thinks is attractive and what he thinks about them�but more often than not he is not interested in �playing� along. Hell I wouldn�t even care if he wanted to have online or webcam play on his own every once and a while, I really wouldn�t but�I just feel�I feel really sad and unnerved and angry at the thought that someone else could be physically fulfilling something that I obviously am not equipped to do. And that he cannot be honest with me about it� I have stated before that I do not want an �open� relationship and I still feel that way. I am not made for that�I couldn�t handle it� I don't buy into bullshit that men or gay men are not made for monogamy. It's a fucking theory, not a biological "need" as evolved modern day humans. I feel lusts every day, sometimes very strong, but I have never acted on them because I focus on being faithful and monogamous. I excercise fucking will power. We are not meant to have everything we desire in this life!! I just feel sick right now. I don�t feel like I am here� Ten years�and it is down to this�I hope I am wrong. I really hope I am wrong. � �