2004-11-12 - 3:06 p.m. I feel so weird today. Actually I have been feeling odd for well over a week. Depressed and overwhelmed and...out of my self. Lieterally out of myself looking at my life and my actions. I feel incredibly unsettled. I think it is partly because I began aggresively searching for a new job this week. As much as I need to do this it still is a fairly daunting and totally uncomfortable process. Also I think the fact that we decided to leave NYC in 2006 is having an impact as well. Before we move to CA we have decided to spend a year back in our old home of Providence. Part of me knows this is the right thing to do and another part of me feels as though I am stepping backwards. The reasoning is multifold. We need to save more money, we want to spend more time with our families and the few friends we have left there (before moving to the opposite coast where visits will be few and far between) and the third reason is just plain exhaustion of this City. I love it here and I am very sad to go but...so much here just wears on you and beats you down. I came here with very specific intentions and feel that I failed miserably. Not a pleasant feeling. And it makes me tired. Anyway going back there is something I dread doing and am also looking forward to doing. I need a change, though, that is very obvious. In the meantime, in the last 18 months we will be in the City I need to change my job. I have been here nearly as long as I have been in the City and I resent it now. Time to get out before I go postal, kick over my cube and take out a few assholes. Also in the final months here I want to do more...have more fun...just fuck all the shits who think they own this City and do what I want to do, instead of feeling inferior, as though I don't have a right to get the best out of NYC. So yeah I have a lot on my mind. it's racing a million miles an hour and it is making me sick to my stomach. I want to settle into the chaos and understand that this is the way life will be until we move to CA, plain and simple. I have so much on my mind...I have so much on mind...I have so much on my mind...I have so much on my mind...I so have much on my mind...I...I...I... � �