2004-10-19 - 3:31 p.m. We had houseguests last week. Although rocky at times, it was, overall, a pleasant visit. They are such wonderful guys, with such positive energy that one cannot help but be happy around them and forgive the things that are annoying. In fact Thursday night was a downright blast. I haven�t had that much to drink in ages. We went out to eat and to drink and just seemed to laugh and smile all night long. This week, well the last two days, have been shite. I desperately need to change my job situation. I don�t know what to do anymore. I wish I could find some wealthy older man to become my benefactor. I mean B doesn�t mind if I sell myself. At least that way would be a little classier than pimpin� my ass on the street, right?? *************** My throat hurts. **************** I love the way the light glows under the red awning of the new pizza place on Second Ave and 19th (is it 19th or 18th? Or 20th????). **************** Here�s how I currently fantasize my life will go: - gain more acting experience in NYC - begin to sing in NYC - leave NYC in 2006, move to Cali - live in Cali for 5 years, getting varied acting and singing gigs (landing a lucrative voiceover deal with a major animation producer � no starring roles but plenty of smaller ones) - after year 2 independently record cd with material written and produced for me by friends and family, inspired by my friends and family�it will sell only 100 copies (mostly to friends and family) - after 3rd year we have twins (boy and girl) via surrogacy, me as the father - someone offers us a chance to manage a B&B in Hawaii, living on site - live on Big Island running B&B and raising twins for 4 years - we have saved enough to move back east� - buy a B&B with cottage in P�town - open and successfully run said B&B while going through trials and tribulation of raising twins - we open a cabaret just up the street from the B&B and open our doors to young, fresh talent and old, stale talent, nothing in between�we want you at the beginning or the end. Of course we will want to perform there as well. This will sometimes embarrass the twins, Isabel and Ezra, but they will have been raised in a liberal, open household and will have learned to laugh through their embarrassment - the twins are given the chance to travel the world, go to school or follow whatever dreams they may have (even if I think it is a really bad idea for Isabel to move to NYC to pursue her dreams of sculpting and I sure as hell am out of my skin with worry with Ez (as we will call him) traveling to third world countries to work for animal rights) - we will grow old by the beach, watching family and friends come and go - when I turn 85 (should I be so lucky)�if I am alone�I pop some pills a la Maude in �Harold and Maude�. I think I would rather outlive people because I don�t want to have anyone be alone. I don�t want B to be lonely. The twins will have their own lives at this point� So this is the plan�minus some detail. There�s plenty left in there to be filled in. I can be happy with this�a life well led but not overdone. ********* I swear to you I am not smoking crack today�.I swear!!!! � �