2004-08-27 - 11:21 a.m. I'm out of work today because our office is being moved to a different floor. They didn't want us in the way. Which is perfect because I rarely want them in MY way on a Friday (or anyday for that matter). This week they just happened to reciprocate. ******** We have been debating doing a show during the march/protest on Sunday. I personally don't want to. I just think it will be too complicated. I'm not all that thrilled at the concept of "guerilla" movie making. It actually kind of freaks me out a little. But still...it is intriguing. Perhaps we will come to some compromise. ****** Yesterday I stumbled upon Hawaii's "Report of the Commission on Sexual Orientation and the Law" (from 1995). I had never really read it though of course heard all about it (the report that initially would have led to same-sex marriage rights in that state). Of course I skimmed over the majority opinion and moved on to the minority. Why do I torture myself? I mean these people (two people to be precise) in the minority pulled out every reference from every conservative, right wing doctor or "gay expert" they could find to prove the "deviance", "immorality" and "inappropriatness" of homosexuality they could find to fight against extending marriage or civil union benefits to same-sex couples. Nothing and no one from the main stream. It boiled down to their opinion that while we cannot be exterminated we should never be considered real, productive and developed members of this society. It really pissed me off. At first it was because, although I know that most mainstream people are not this extreme, there are still alot of people who think like this with virtually no real, first hand knowledge of everyday homos and what we think, contribute or believe. The other reason it pissed me off was because it made me feel bad. I hate that it does that! That's my issue and it only lasts briefly until my rational self takes the controls back. I mean look...I am not all about being gay. Yes it is an integral part of me but it is not the ONLY part of me. It has always been a part of my life, it is my orientation at birth (despite those who claim that it is my upbringing and environment...fuck you...when did you first move into my head?? Never? then don't tell me "when" I "became" a homo). Having said that I spent the last 24 hours dissecting and criticizing every emotion I had or have had recently, searching for signs that these assholes are right. I know they are not and I shouldn't allow their bullshit to get to me but...sometimes it is difficult. But isn't difficult for everyone at least part of the time? This is not exclusive to queers is it? Self-doubt? Questioning your life or your motivations or your actions? IN my opnion being gay is not the majority but that does not mean that it is "wrong". It is simply a biological difference. The difference in lifestyle often comes from being forced out of our biological family units and as a consequence forging our own family units (which by the way are often far truer and more supportive than the bio kind). This is so odd to me. I hardly ever talk about being a homo to anyone anymore. I mean if they ask if I am I say yeah and go back to my coffee. I haven't even mentioned reading this stuff to B or anyone else. At one point it was novel, discussing gaydom, maybe back when I was 22 or something but now...it actually is uncomfortable to me when people start asking me what it is like to be gay. I mean what is it like to be hetero? Can you boil it down to one nice response? Good luck with that. I don't even know why I wrote about all of this except that maybe that I needed to purge again. I sort of carried this around the last 24 hours and was a little sick of hearing it all in my mind. Like having a song in your head when you wake up. Rather than hear the words to the chorus over and over again for days at a time just put the damned thing on your iPod and listen to it three or four times. You're purged. No more voices in your head...well no more voices singing in your head...well at least no more voices singing THAT song in your head. I'm going back to my coffee. � �