2004-11-30 - 10:33 a.m. So I think that my other half is either cheating on me or thinking of cheating on me. I feel sick. I may be wrong, of course. The thing is…I mean I don’t know what to say. He says that he never has cheated on me. He insists this so I feel guilty thinking that he could be doing something behind my back. But I know him and I know his family history and cheating is NOT a fringe concept. I don’t mind fantasy…in fact I encourage it. I encourage him to be open about who he thinks is attractive and what he thinks about them…but more often than not he is not interested in “playing” along. Hell I wouldn’t even care if he wanted to have online or webcam play on his own every once and a while, I really wouldn’t but…I just feel…I feel really sad and unnerved and angry at the thought that someone else could be physically fulfilling something that I obviously am not equipped to do. And that he cannot be honest with me about it… I have stated before that I do not want an “open” relationship and I still feel that way. I am not made for that…I couldn’t handle it… I don't buy into bullshit that men or gay men are not made for monogamy. It's a fucking theory, not a biological "need" as evolved modern day humans. I feel lusts every day, sometimes very strong, but I have never acted on them because I focus on being faithful and monogamous. I excercise fucking will power. We are not meant to have everything we desire in this life!! I just feel sick right now. I don’t feel like I am here… Ten years…and it is down to this…I hope I am wrong. I really hope I am wrong.